There are grapes on the vines in my yard. A month ago, social media reminded me I made jam last year. I’ve been telling myself to go out and pick them. Make jam again. This could be Christmas gifts… and so reasonably priced, when one has no money of their own.
This month the grapes are starting to wither. I still tell myself to go out and pick what is still good. Make jam for the home. But I still haven’t seemed to find the time.
School is overwhelming. There is a mountain of homework due in little more than 48 hours. The house is a mess. The 2 acres of lawn needs mowing, mostly with a push mower, because we are on a hill and the riding mower doesn’t actually have working brakes when you are on that hill. The kids have homework, one child seems to have ridiculous amounts, all the time now, that I’m wondering what they are actually doing in school. There is a mass of mundane appointments to be made and went to… for the car, for the teeth, for the vaccines, for the education about vaccines. Two days a week, drive kids 20 minutes to school, sit in the parking lot for another 20, drive an hour to school, 2 hours of classes, drive an hour home, scramble to cook something, eat and do homework in the two hours before picking up kids.Sit in the parking lot, make dinner, help with homework, fit in some laundry, clean up the kitchen, toothbrushing, stories, bedtime.
Get up at 6:00am and do it all again. I crossed out all the bitching. No one really wants to hear bitching, do they? We’re all busy. Some of us are so damn busy we don’t really have time to stop and just cry.
Parent teacher conferences coming up, hosting a birthday party this month, Halloween and costumes and make up and ….
Have you read that article about how we should stop glorifying busy? I may have read it wrong, but I don’t think anyone is glorifying being busy. I think a lot of people are being stretched so thin they are afraid they’re going to break. I think it is a cry out to the universe to LET UP ALREADY.
The hardest part isn’t the work or what I need to do. The hardest part is to feel I’m failing in every single thing I’m doing. I can’t give 100% to anything anymore. So the house and the yard get the bare minimum, my schooling gets as much as I can and the kids… I’m trying so hard to help them to get through this and succeed too.
I was hoping once we all settled into school, I’d be able to find some sort of part time work. But given my physical availability of 5 hours, 2 days a week in between commute time… But then I try to justify the hit the housework and homework will take. The less time to make appointments, do laundry, buy groceries… all in trade for 10-11 hours of retail or fast food work.
So I guess I’m still failing. Of course I just tell myself, it’ll get easier when I have an education and can work a real job. But will it? What can I possibly change in my life to make all this manageable? To make any room for joy or for fun?